21 Jan 2010

Wishing for Something New

I secretly observe my hubby while we eat; in some extent I feel guilty for the decision I made nearly four years ago. He looks restless. I have seen him smile, when he watch our little nephew play with his father. I know what is going through his mind, but at this point I can't turn back. The big part of my heart is glad I made the decision; so I should not feel guilty as I do some days. I observe him again and the song of Natasha Bedingfield shouts out loud in my head. I want to have your baby..., but I know I should not be irrational.

Me and my hubby got married nearly five years ago. On our wedding day I was the happiest girl on earth; after all the frustrations and preparations,the previous days, I was marrying the man of my dreams - this might sound a cliche but it is true. The day was sunny hot, the castle a dream, and thanks to my family the decoration was perfect. My big summer wedding. To conclude, in the evening, we were blessed with light shower from the sky.

After the wedding we went on an adventurous honeymoon in the far East. We enjoyed it and loved the whole atmosphere. Then once we finished our honeymoon we began a lovely life together in London.

I started working few months after I moved to London. My life became a boring routine, working - coming home, working and coming home. Until I finally decided to take a decision in my life. I thought - girl, what do you want to achieve in life?
The answer was easy - a good education.
No, it did not come natural to me to think about babies. I was just twenty-something and thinking about babies was not on my agenda yet.

In the meantime my hubby was always happy chatting to his friends about how he was going to be the first, among them, to have a baby. In those occasions I was silence and very thoughtful. But he never noticed my expression. However one day after a dinner out with friends, once at home, I took the courage and said "I've been thinking about our future..."
"Good, me too. But you tell me first." I did not want to be the game spoiler therefore I went straight to the point.
"I want to start university. Yes, I want to complete my higher education." I could see the surprise on his face so, very quickly, I gave him the explanation. "Although I am happy with you I don't feel like I am complete with only my work.I really want to realise one of my dreams: to have a degree."
"I thought you enjoyed your work..."
"I do love it, but I don't feel complete with it... what did you want to tell me about our future?"
"I thought we could start a family."
"I would love to to but I feel like if I don't do this education thing now, I might never do it. Plus once we have a baby I want to dedicate most of my time with her/him." I knew I was destroying his dream but I wanted to be selfish in that moment. Plus I was thinking - If I don't do this I might blame my child, unjustly, for not completing my higher education. "Please, do understand me. Once we have the child I will be busy all the time and I believe now is the moment for me..."
"Okay, I will support you in this choice." Although he might have felt the world falling on him, he managed to hide it well. He kissed me and show how happy he was for me; I felt so good thinking about my future books and essays.

The following years were the trying moments of our marriage. Most of the time I had to work two days and go to university the remaining days. Even eating healthy food was hard for me but thanks to my hubby I survived. He is one of people who have supported me throughout this dream. He has been the wonderful person I have always known he is. I love him more everyday.

It is nearly the end of the hard work from both of us - apart from being a supportive hubby, he has always proofread my course works - and my natural instinct of desiring Something New is on the increase. Sometimes I feel like I should just do it, but the rational part of me stops me and says - you nearly have your degree. Soon you will you be stress free and will enjoy each minute of motherhood.

No, I am not bored and I don't want a new toy. I want Something New in our life because I feel ready and I know that we can take care of a BABY. During the past years, university had taken my life and now that is nearly over I believe I will be less stressed out and the moment will be perfect for us to put the cherry on the cake.
Now I pray the Almighty to give us the gift of a healthy Something New in this wonderful New Year.

May God answer the prayer.

Post for The MyBrownBaby Beautiful Mind Writing Contest :: January '10 Edition

1 comment:

  1. Well I"ll keep you all in my prayers - maybe that baby will be you and hubby's gift for 2010!


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