25 Mar 2011

The Sugar Raspberry Coated Donut

The following post is a work of fiction, DO NOT ACT ON IT!

I stood in front of the bakery-bar and licked my dry lips. I wished I was one of the girls sitting in there, drinking their teas and biting those sugar glazed donuts. But, I was not one of them and they weren’t one of me. In part I was happy for that, because my willpower was stronger than theirs. I could control what was entering in my stomach... or to be correct, I could control what was not entering in my stomach.

I looked at the different taste of donuts displayed in the window. Something pushed me to enter. I went in and stood at the counter. The waitress whose cheeks betrayed her passion for glazed donuts asked me “How can I help you today?”

I looked at her friendly face and I forced something that looked like a smile back at her. I painfully fumbled some words out: “Ehm, nothing... I am just looking...” I pause to collect my thoughts, then I said “Sorry, I am still thinking about what to get...” getting those words out of my mouth was like catching a star from the sky.

Since my illness began, it has become difficult for me to speak to strangers. I was always self conscious about how I looked. This affected my speech. I thought people saw me as the fat girl in town. I hated my hair, my fat face, my fat thighs... I simply looked awkward in everything I did, all because he said those words to me...

“This one is very delicious...” the waitress brought me back to reality. I looked at her confused.


“This donut here, the sugar raspberry coated donut is very delicious. It is our speciality.” She smiled again, but I could tell she was annoyed with me.

“Okay..., I would like two of them.” I was surprised at my own words. I was also very crossed with myself. The voice started to insult me but, instead of giving in, I paid and got out of the bakery.

A cold wind blow on my face, I looked around me to see if I was the only one feeling this chill. I saw people wearing short sleeves. It was May and I was still cold under the Verona sun. My mind went back to the last time I ate my favourite sweets, sugar raspberry coated donut. I couldn’t tell if it was the cold or the excitement to finally eat a donut again that made me feel flashes of cold. I pulled my jumper tightly around my neck. My eyes were watering and I felt light.

I walked past the newsagent, the one near the Arena. I went to sit in the small park. I took my donut out of its wrapping paper. I looked at it, smelled the sugar on it and fought back the saliva in my throat. The dough was so soft. I squeezed the first one and felt a sense of freedom. I closed my eyes and felt like a light bird in the sky. I thought about his words and whispered

“Can you see me now? I don’t even want to eat this delicious donut... this sugar raspberry coated donut that I adore.”

I started to cry, tears like rain on window screen dribbled down my cheeks. I hated him so much. I hated him for causing this illness. I hated him for messing up my mental health. I took the second donut out of the paper wrapping... I was about to bite a piece, but the voice told me something different. I cut it into pieces and threw it in the air, to the pigeons in the park. I felt stronger and stronger, but I also knew that the person who refused to bite a piece of her favourite sugar rasberry coated donut was not me, but ED.

I repeat, this post is a work of fiction. It was inspired by



  1. Very interesting post. Love the insertion of Verona and the inner struggle of the protagonist. It's interesting to me that of the 4 others I've read thus far, every one centers on one form of ED or other. Hmm...

  2. It is so sad how insidious an eating disorder is. You captured her awareness, sadness and frustration very well.

  3. This is very well written. I don't know much about ED so this shed some light on the topic for me, particularly the inner torment that comes along with it. thanks for sharing.

  4. I agree, this is really well written. You captured the character's inner turmoil.


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