18 Jul 2011

Love Story: The Fear Of Loving…

If you would like to read the previous love story anecdotes, they can be found here.
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We dated the whole summer until September, as I started school and AMI had to return to Britain. The night before his departure we cried because long distance love relationship was not what we would have chose for ourselves. I saw the whole thing as summer fling. I wanted to end it, but he said “If we don’t try, how can we know it won’t work?” He made a point so I trusted my instincts once more and decided to give it a try.
Ryanair, telephone calls, text messages, emails and chatrooms became our favourite pass-time. But my journals became the battleground for my heart and mind. For my faith and fear.
Initially it seemed simple. He came for my birthday the following month. Then, in November I went to see him in Cardiff, where he was working for three months. In December he came to spend Christmas with me and my family.
When the holidays were over for him, it was hard to let him go. But I did, by now I was 99% head over hills for him. I wrote Just In Love in which I expressed how a person can love someone but due to fear of being hurt, you guard your feelings. In one of my journal entries I wrote:
… he understands I truly love him, I don’t tell him every day, it is true I’ve said that phrase twice, but inside I feel it every day and my strongest desire in this period is to live with him forever. Maybe it something precocious, but my feelings are these and I hope to feel them forever. 
Sometimes I daydream about my future with him, I am scared it might not come true, but I pray the Lord to look after us as He has done until now. He told me that there will be never be another woman in my place, he always says beautiful things and I am scared of the future. I told him that I want a baby with him, it is silly but that’s what I would like. 
2001 New Year’s eve we celebrated together alone, away from the crowd. We welcomed 2002 together and I prayed for guidance and protection from the Almighty.  
Just before that trip my heart was getting bigger and bigger for AMI each day that passed. My mind and heart were in continuous conflict.  I became a bystander as my mind and heart argued. But in the end I took a stand.
… I can’t tell my heart to stop loving him, yes I can’t think that [but] I have to be strong about my heart but my heart is in love and it’s more stronger than my mind…. I don’t have to tell him all my feelings because they are very strong and I don’t want him to know anymore how I feel.   fearofloving (2)
I couldn’t live one minute without thinking about him. He was in thoughts constantly. When I wrote: I don’t want him to know anymore how I feel, by that I  meant I didn’t want him to know how I saw my future with him and how much I wanted to have children together. l know it was silly from my part but loving someone that deep scares the hell out of you. I was scared to see my world crumble beneath my feet, if he ever left me. My fear for loving him was tied with the fear of losing him and feeling lost without him by myself. However, I did an auto-psychology and concluded:
…I can’t deny that feeling [of loving]. I think … I can just live … this [love] story day by day … [without thinking] too much about the future. 
I stopped to live the story like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I started to focus on the happy moments we shared together even with such long distance between us. Time passed and after three months of placement in Cardiff he had to go live in Kentucky for the final three months of placement. The distance was getting farther and farther than I imagine.
Still something told he was the one I’ve prayed Lord to send me all my life. Letting go of the fear of loving was not easy. He had to do something crazy for me to believe that he truly was the ONE God created for me…
Until next,

lifeofTOI

2 comments:

  1. wow, this is beautiful! i am excited to continue to read!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your love story is amazing and always heart warming. Way to celebrate 10years!!! How exciting:-)

    ReplyDelete

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