*After I wrote this post I wanted to delete it because it is too personal, but I believe the time is right to let my heart out. Hope I am clear with my words :).*
Every time I read pages of my teenage diary, I thank God for making me strong inside and thick skinned outside when I can be, because some words I heard in the course of those years would have broken my willpower…
The first time I cried because of a word was in grade three when a classmate said to me “Sei egoista (you’re egoist)!” I didn’t know the meaning of the word and he didn’t know it either. He has heard it before on TV, but when I heard it I cried. I cried my heart out without understanding the reason.
Later on my favourite teacher calmed me down and explained the meaning “It means selfish, self-centred… but you are not at all.”
“Yes, I am not selfish!” I complained tears still choking me.
“No, you are not.” she wiped the tears away with her soft fingers. She was old and I loved her accent from Bologna. That was the first time I understood how powerful words can be.
But, hurtful words kept coming my way and multiplied by the time I was attending middle school. However, by then I had learned how to take the blows. Sometimes I responded back, but other times I analysed them in a positive way.
And years later I accepted the word egoist when I was told once more that I am egoist. I am not saying that I accepted to be egoist, because I am not and being called that hurts. But I know the people who call me that are those who want to borrow something from me and then return them as damaged – hope I make sense.
I don’t mind being called egoist if I want to have the one I love all by myself. No, I am not selfish in the negative way of the word. I have come to the conclusion that people use words casually without considering the implications. I turn meaning of words around so that they don’t break me but only make me.
The hurtful words I endured in elementary throughout to high school have taught me not to use words casually, but weigh each one against the other before uttering them. Because I am aware how much words can make you or break you.
I promise to always use words that will empower Berry and siblings.
My wish for Berry is never to allow words to break his or her will. I wish Berry never uses hurtful words to break others will. That he or she can stop to think before speaking and others do the same back. But most importantly I pray Berry doesn’t experience the verbal abuses I endured whilst young.