31 Dec 2012

Reflection of 2012

Only 24 more hours left to kiss goodbye to this year. As per tradition, the time to sit down and reflect on the year has summonsed me.

My heart aches at the thought. i tremble to how naive I was at the beginning of the month. Clueless about the big change which in a blink of an eye shook our world.

Two weeks away AMSAA passed away. Her sudden death was a big slap on the face, a wake up call to reflect on how life can leave our souls when we least aspect. it spoke to my heart, it strengthened my belief in a greater Being and Paradise because if there are no entity like that then where is our precious AMSAA.

Two weeks ago her mother’s life was shuttered. When she heard the news she couldn’t process the enormity of the calamity. When she phoned me to inform me, she sounded too serene. We all knew that the tragedy hasn’t sink for the parents. In fact it only hit them some days later, but it hit the mother even harder this past week. She despaired for the loss of her beloved daughter. She cried and won’t stop crying, her world is destroyed more than I can possibly imagine. She didn’t hear her daughter’s voice for a whole week. Though we might pretend that she is still there, when the thought of not seeing her face or hearing her voice strikes then our insides turns upside down. Our world will never be the same again but we must move on. the pain will stay but for me that means she is still with me, deep in my heart and she will never go away.

Although the pain this month brought us is unbearable, 2012 also brought along join, life and triumph.

My hope for 2012 was Another Bee Year in God’s Resolution, I wanted to live in the present and suck life out of it as if I am a bee. So, even as much as my heart burns of despair, I have to give thanks to the Almighty because I was able to do so. I give him praises and glory!

So, here we go… a look at the decisive moments of my year 2012.

1. Celebrating A0I's big ONE birthday with a nice group of people. My mum came over for this special occasion. I felt blessed to have each one around as we gave thanks and praises to the Most High

amoredimammapapa2. Welcoming two new born into our family and another any hour
3.Travelling back to Britain and introducing our daughter to our family and friends. It was wonderful to go back to our homeland. We felt such accomplishment because in just over a year in Canada God has granted us with this cute baby.april2012{somebody to his or her precious time to create this by the beach}

devon24. Travelling back to my little town in Italy. Absence can increase love… that’s how I felt anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my hometown under such splendour until over a year of hiatus. It was so green and I couldn’t get enough of the views of valleys from my window. Never before I’ve sat at the window to read until April 2012 and the piazza arzview1azrview25. Two trips to Ontario (Toronto - summer and Niagara Falls - fall) we stayed at my sister's house and it was another bonding moment with my family  had a play date with RN, who is having his chemo treatment at one of the hospitals. torontohardrockcafefalls46.Setting up and joining a writer's group. February I met six writers at a workshop organised by the local library. We decided to form a group Six to Eight Writer's Group
7. Completing the first re-write of my YA novel
8. Getting some of my poems and photography published in an anthology on motherhood and getting  AOI’s birth story published on the greenparent online magazine and theembrace
9.enjoying the beautiful lakes our province offerslake
10.Going to Waskesiu for a family autumn holiday. We felt blessed to be able to go to the Prince Albert National ParkfamilyportraitAOIautumn
11. Life threatening illness of RN, this event was the first of the saddest news of 2012. It pushed me to hold on the my faith for dear life. Death of AMSAA – it has left a HUGE empty space in our lives but it has enriched our hearts. It’s in her honour that I want to live a purposeful life, with a new passion and determination to do good and help others.

12. Reading Jenni @Story of My Life fun, insightful and inspirational posts. Her determination to work at her dream is infectious. Keep up the good work girl.

 so, as the year prepares itself to wave it wings away, I conclude that some of my decisive moments brought joy and some others brought immense sadness. However, through my renewed faith I accept that those emotions are two gifts God gives us to fortify our soul. Among the joy and sorrows my faith has strengthened and my belief that everything will be okay in the end is everlasting.

hope everyone enjoyed this year and drew a life changing lesson from it.

wishing you all a warm, bright, healthy, faithful and happy full of life 2013!

Italian word

piazza= city centre

28 Dec 2012

Peep Show From Christmas Day

happy Friday everyone.

so how was Christmas?

let’s me start by saying that on Boxing Day i decided to workout because i felt bloated from the previous day and i don’t want to wait until next year to put into practice one of my resolutions. yes, i want to be fit once again and start TTC for baby #2.

you see, i get cold feet when i thing about TTC (trying to conceive) #2, i want to just jump into without to much thing and the only way i know best is to become fit ASAP before i become icy about it.

anyway, yesterday i felt like ran down by a truck after the exercises on Boxing Day. today i feel better!

well. Christmas was quiet as we wanted. we chose to spend the time together as a family of three. last year we had my brother over and it was nice, but we wanted to see how it felt to be just the three of us. it was peaceful

christmasstocking

AOI’s crafty auntie sent her a stocking, so the night before Christmas i baked some cookies and filled her stocking with few things. for hubby i prepared one of his old socks with a mango, a clementine, a pair of Christmassy socks and a mug.

we kicked Christmas day off by phoning my family in USA, Italy and Canada. later that morning we skyped hubby’s family in the UK. we did a Skype gift exchange. AOI open her stocking and these are things she found…

stockingiftsa book, two mugs, a set of three toy boats for bath time and five cookies i baked that night before. I'm happy to report that she enjoyed the cookies. hubby didn’t so i ate them all myself.

the rest of the day looked something like thischristmaslunchpanett-onewe had our Christmas meal, then we exchanged gifts.

we didn’t buy anything big for AOI because we don’t think at one year of she cares about big toys. we want to make her a tepee and kitchenette. but for Christmas because she likes Sesame Street i thought a piggybank with Elmo’s smile on it will make her happy.giftexchange1elmopiggybankAOI bought daddy, via care of mummy, an IPad hard case because she likes to use daddy’s IPad and sometimes throw it on the floor – she doesn’t want him to be sad if it breaksgiftexchange2on hubby’s wish list he had a crystal science kit and i also bought him a pair of lined trousers for the cold. he also bought himself a jigsaw for his carpentry hobbygiftexchange3AOI bought me, via care of daddy, the body shop spa set – i can’t wait to lift my feet in the bathgift

one of the items on my wish list was a laptop and hubby was so nice to get a new one for me. the new HP ENVY dv6 {with apple sticker applied by moi, because in the end what is a Mac? Just a permanent sticker}. I'm enjoying it so much. hpcomputergift

i also bought myself two learning books to improve my French and crafting hobby {i want to repurpose most of my old garments}learningbooks

AOI had a nap soon after lunch while we just relaxed.after a good nap she ate a big piece of panettone for her snack.yummypanettone

all in all this Christmas was quiet but enjoyable and good family bonding time.

hope your Christmas was fun, full of laughter, togetherness, yummy food and cute gifts.

hope your weekend is merry and bright

xoxo, T

Italian words

aspettando babbo natale= waiting for father Christmas {above photo}

panettone= typical Italian Christmas cake

25 Dec 2012

Merry Christmas and Happy 3th Blogversary

merry christmas from my family to yours. hope you have a great one!

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i also want to take this moment to wish my little blog space a happy 3th year!

blogversary

it was only three years ago that i timidly typed my first blog entry on this space. i had another blog but i wanted to find a community which was willing to build up a good friendship as i prepared myself for motherhood.

i didn’t know if anyone was going to read my rambling but since then i’ve connected with women who are amazing and are willing to share their experiences with me.

i want to thanks each one of you. you make this journey worthwhile.

thanks for each time you’ve taken a moment to say hello, comment, leave a tip, a word of comfort and encouragement.

may god always bless you and your family abundantly!

may the coming year be full of eventful blogging!

24 Dec 2012

Christmas Tree Photo Dump

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Beginning To Look Like Christmas by Various Artists on Grooveshark
good morning ladies and gents.

i’m trying to feel less the pain and enjoy the festivity again.

so, last friday AOI and I baked a yellow cake – okay she was sitting on the kitchen floor while i was busy putting the ingredients together. saturday we went to the ghanaian association end of year dinner party, it was a good laugh. AOI fell in love with a little baby and she wouldn’t stop kissing her. it was embarrassingly cute. she made miss my little nephew but most of all i would like to have another baby. i pray Almighty give the I and A-A family more babies in 2013!  sunday was church and then went christmas food shopping. i was going to try to be healthy this christmas but i think i’m going to give that resolution up.

plus, maybe i should just have another baby before i work my buttocks off to get back into shape.

anyways… AOItree

i believe what is helping me feel less the pain is watching AOI fascination with the christmas tree lights and all the various ornaments – she helped with the decoration. her eyes light up, then she points and says tree or albero {italian version of the same object} whenever we are in the living room.

we purchased a real pine tree, just like we did last christmas – i like the smell of winter pine wood in our living room.christmastree1

we set up the tree two weeks ago. we are impressed by the fact that AOI hasn’t destroyed the decoration or pulled the tree down. sometimes she wants to shake the pine leafs off or take an ornament out but between giggles and dodging we manage to stop her in time.chritsmastree2012christmastree2

even AOI goes to bed and the house is quiet we turn the lights down and the tree brings a little bit of extra magic in the housechristmastree4christmastree6

{the christmas painting is one of my own creation, i interpreted the chimney in my inlaws old house}

christmastreethe other day i came home to see some gifts under the tree. hubby had wrapped his and the gifts from Britain and put under the tree. the following AOI was intrigued by the bows, she pulled two off the gifts but i put them back without worries. christmastree3

{accent of christmas around the house}

we are still in the making of christmas traditions and this weekend we watched The Santa Clause and The Snowman introduced by David Bowie {this last video is one of hubby’s childhood christmas traditions. he says he’s been watching this short fiilm since christmas 1982}

questions: how was your weekend? do you prefer a real pine christmas tree or artificial pine tree? why? do you have any christmas tradition?

20 Dec 2012

Coping

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thanks to everyone who took the time to write a word of comfort, much appreciated.

writing on the blog means going on with life. but if i don’t write some of my rampant thoughts down i may go insane.

i take conscious breaths, but sometimes i feel like drowning.

i want to stay still from the numbness but i’m sure that’s not what our niece would like us to do. we are making sense of her death. the way she came to this world and how she left us is so symbolic, worth of an angel.

she was born in the middle of the night one sunday, when no one was watching. and in a similar way she left one late sunday evening when everyone was taking a snooze. she was 4 years, 2 weeks, 2 days old.

the heaviness in my throat can’t be forced down. it will take time but we’ll make it through. i imagine her among the old members of our family who passed away long before her. she’s laughing and playing with her cousin who died seven years ago when she was only a baby.

i wonder if when people die they age or they stay the same age forever. maybe they stay the same age but they are more wise than we are. today my sister-in-law, AMSAA’s mother, told me that age doesn’t matter when we die.

this is the first time a young person is passing away. she was such a courageous little sunshine. if everything happens for a reason then her death means so much to this family. it’s has united us even more, it’s encouraging me to work harder at my dreams. and this is the first death that i’m consciously experiencing. ‘consciously’ because all the previous deaths in my family were old people while i was still naive and i couldn’t understand what was going on really. i miss that naivety in life.

we’re all saying we’re doing fine, but that’s a way to tell people we are coping through the pain, we’re holding on tight to the faith of believing that she is happy where is right now.

yet, i can’t bring myself to look at all her pictures. even at the thought tears prickle my eyes. i think about her older sister who is just seven years old and doesn’t know the concept of death as i was when my father died or my great-grandmother died. i wish i could go back to that age. i have a vague memories. memories that i don’t mind having but how am i going to come to terms with the fact that i will never see my little niece’s face again until we all meet in heaven.

last night i managed to sleep little better thanks to my sister’s words. i was scared that AMSAA was all alone in this new journey of her life. i was scared that she was feeling lonely and scared. but my sister reminded me that little AMSAA is not alone where she is because her paternal grandfather is there, her paternal great-grandfather is there, her paternal great-great-grandmother is there, her paternal grand-aunt is there, her maternal grandfather and her cousin from her mother’s side they’re all there.

she is an angel because she came with her sunshine to light our lightless life and bring us together. her purpose in life was well served. she is the guardian angel who wanted to come and show her sister that she will always be there for her and that she shouldn’t be afraid in this world that sometimes scares us all. 

and nobody should judge anyone for choosing a different way to cope when death takes away the one they love. we shouldn’t blame because it wasn’t anybody’s fault

still, during the first hours of the horrendous news, i hated how we’re all living on different continents from each other. i wanted to be there so much. i wanted to hold you in my arms, see your face for the last time before we meet again. but these kilometres between us couldn’t allow it.

nobody thinks their little kid could go before them so this event is a big slap on the face. i call it the wake up call. i want to cope but i don’t want the pain to go away because as much as it hurts it’s makes me whole.

i was reading Jenni’s old blog entries on death. she’s the one blogger who i know has written passionately about her thoughts on death after her step father died. i wanted something to hold onto, to anchor my tiring soul and her posts did the trick. one particular post made me accept the pain i’m going through.

in a research conducted by Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher, he argues that

everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems […to him is a ] dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness.

he concluded that

Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfilment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain…

this is so true for me. this pain is making me whole. i feel wiser and stronger and i’m coping well.

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19 Dec 2012

Goodbye AMSAA

they did a small funeral for you today. i heard you looked peaceful. we are sure you are happy where you are because that’s where you came from.

everything happened so fast. i was told on monday that you had the symptoms of a fever on friday and by sunday you were gone.

i miss you and i hate it that we lived far away and i didn’t phone you enough, but you were only a little child who didn’t care about phone conversations.

it burns… this pain of not seeing you again, not holding you and not hearing your voice burns like crazy. but we must move on so we cope as much as we can… in the end we’ll make sense about your sudden death and accept it as much as we can.

but for now, goodbye a.m.s.a-a.rip

you are truly an angel who came on this earth to bless us with your presence. now we know that we have a new, young and strong angel looking over us.

17 Dec 2012

Our Weekend: My Family is Mourning For Our Niece

normally fridays are supposed to be joyful, happy for many people and as i wrote last week, our weekend begins on fridays but this week our weekend was not happy. i’m sure many parents curse last friday and forever will detest it.

the whole weekend my stomach was in knots. i couldn’t stop thinking about the families in Newton, Connecticut, whose weekend has been tainted with sour news in their mouth.

they were in my heart and thoughts but life had to go on.

we did few toy shopping. skateswe then went to one of our local outdoor {FREE} ice skating rink for hubby to start practising his ice skating skills. daddyskatingwe stayed for thirty minutes.

the rest of the day was spent at AOI’s future baby sitter’s party. she turned 11 years old. on our way home i thought about the children of Newton school, maybe there was a child whose birthday was this weekend, now what would they do. would they keep the christmas tree turned on forever because maybe that;s the last thing they helped their parents with – i’m so sad. cake

sunday we went to church. we lighted the JOY calendar on the advent calendar but the air was not happy. the children did a little play about the real meaning of christmas. their joyous voices hit us again. the suffering a senseless guy has left in the soul of so many families this weekend.

yes, life went on… until it stood still again for my FAMILY this monday morning!

the phone call came in at 5:56. her mother told in a whisper. i could control myself, i left AOI half asleep on the bed and let go. hubby had to rush to me and ask me what’s going on. the throaty cry and coarse voice told him the devastating news. i threw the phone somewhere among the covers.

was i dreaming? no, the worse news all those parents heard over the weekend fell on us this weekend too. we cried the WHY HER cry!

MY NIECE OF FOUR DIED YESTERDAY. she celebrated her 4th birthday on 30th november, how can this be. we’ve never experience death of a young child in our family as long as i know.

my heart is in 1000trimillion pieces. i don’t know how to cope. Death Sucks. even more so when it come unto young children  

I’M IN MOURNING!redjacket

ripwe love you so much and sorry if we didn’t show you enough of that love. you leave a BIG space in this life!

15 Dec 2012

and my heart sunk

“have you heard the sad news?” AMI asked me when he returned home from work yesterday

“no. what happened?”

“there’ve been another shooting.”

“where?”

“in america, about 26 people died. it was at an elementary school.”

“gosh,” why was this killer there? i thought then asked “why they keep killing people?” i’m tired and horrified to read news of crazy people deciding one morning to commit an idiotic action. i blame the system which allows some idiots to buy a gun as if it’s a condom. and it’s the same system which doesn’t allow people to enter a club unless they are 21.

in the evening, after i placed AOI tiny sleepy body in her crib. i sat down to catch up on with the latest news. i was pulled into the reality of things by Casey Leigh’s blog entry. my heart sunk, i cried and felt the pain of those parents. i become bitter after learning a sad new like this latest. i really can’t stand how senseless people decide to take the lives of innocents.

the following words from Casey’s post hit my soul, twisting my throat into major, major pain

twenty empty tiny beds… presents under the tree… lunchboxes…sit unopened.

i boil, i boil, boil so much at the apparent cruelty of some individuals. how can one trust in people? just like Casey wrote, i once longed to be in paradise to escape this awful world… these days i want to stand tall and try my best to be a better person, to bring up  my daughter to be a compassionate human being. someone who cares about the pain of others.

newtown-shooting-001

{via}

my heart is in pieces for those children who couldn’t make it back home on friday, who won’t see Santa’s present under the tree and cuddle their parents. for their parents that won’t see their giggles, have their soft breath on their neck as the carry their sleepy tiny bodies. broken hearted parents and my heart sinks.

my prayers and thoughts go to their family. may god embrace them through this painful moment.

some may ask why should we worry about america’s gun problem? i don’t leave there but i say let’s worry because we never know where we will live next and because the gun problem it’s becoming international.

let’s help in fight to bring control on guns in the hands of civilians!

14 Dec 2012

Random Thinking…

lately i have a lot on my mind, i think when ‘am writing, when i listen to music, when i cook, when i’m under the shower… you get the picture.

i think about how i would like to be eloquent. i would like to have a good grasp of the english language to express my thoughts fluently.

i think about my writing career, i wonder if i will ever be able to get this book published? i think about the butterflies in my stomach when i picture my future and i smile, it looks nice.

i think about my purpose in life. i pray each day to have the focus, determination and health to bring this purpose into reality. 

i think about my readers. i wonder why the numbers are dropping. in fact i question if, apart from my loyal 5 readers, i have other readers following along my journey. i don’t know why i want to share this journey but something deep within me pushes me to carry on blogging and share this simple life of mine. i know life is busy for everyone, especially around this time of year, so i am grateful to those who take a moment to make me feel good with their comments on this boring blog of mine

recently faith @lifelovemarriage found out that she has a lot of silent readers following her journey but they prefer to stay aback and enjoy the ride.

just like faith did, i would like to ask a big favour from each one my potential readers. because she wrote it so well, i want to quote her ”if some of my silent readers feel/felt that I have not made an effort in interacting with them when they made an attempt to interact with me. Or maybe some people do not like to join the conversation because they do not feel they have anything extra to add.

please say hello, tell me why you are here. let me know you and let’s be friends.

you see, i came to the blogsphere to create be part of a good community, because i strongly believe that walking in good company makes life sweeter.

then again maybe nobody is reading this lame blog entrySad smile. 

so TOI don’t feel bad if nobody comes out from the bushes to say hello.

Christmas is almost here, hoho!

am i too self-centred?

okay. i’m paranoid. i don't want to be apologetic about it or fear to admit it because that trait makes who i am: imperfect, complex but beautifully created. keepcalmandwrite

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do i press publish? with all the grammar and spelling errors? why not? just press publish. ha! published.

12 Dec 2012

Christmas Gift Ideas for Me

christmasgiftguide
1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10
i know christmas is about getting together and being thankful for the birth of christ. also, i’m ALWAY grateful and appreciate any gift somebody gives to me from the heart. but this year i’ve decided to make a list for few objects i would like ‘santa’ to put under the christmas tree. then maybe hubby will buy me one thing and then i’ll slowly buy the rest with my pocket money.
1.any nice computer would do
2. i would love to sew something nice next year and some pre-cut cute fabrics would be nice to have
3. rebecca ferguson was second at xfactoruk 2010 {i believe, she is more famous than the winner}. she one of the contestants i promised i would purchase her album. i want the delux version of her debut
4. i NEED a new perfum and i would like to use something completely different from the usual floral scent i go for. woods scent is intriguing
5. i want to make a personal family photo book from Blurb
6. i want a christmas top which i can also use during the rest of the year
7. i want to start being fashionable again and i like the hat above
8. i want more fun fabric
9. sewing book to have always as a guide would be a great bonus
10. another sewing book for doing something for my daughter and all her cousins
so, those are the objects i would love to receive at least one this christmas.
question: do you make a list for the christmas gift idea i you would love to receice?

10 Dec 2012

Our Weekend: Let It Snow

good monday morning people.
 
snowing
 Let it snow by Michael Bubl√© on Grooveshark
 
snow is second nature over here. i love that but still, outside is frightful. for this reason we didn’t go to playgroup last week {this week AOI and I will venture to the playrgroup}. thursday i thought about going but then changed mind because AOI was feeling delicate after her 12month immunization jab {4 jabs. she was restless on thursday night}.
 
friday, staying in the warmth of our house was delightful. plus AOI was feeling better. she carried one of her dolls in a carrier. she loved having me read books to her, especially The Grumpy Bird. then in the afternoon she got obsessed about Healthy Teeth, Health Me: Brushy Brush song from the Sesame Street Celebrity songs on youtube. AOIsong

towards the evening i practiced my baking skills.cookies still not very good but i can eat whatever i bake without stomach pains {AOI likes them too}.

saturday, half of the day was spent lazing around… wait, i wrote some chapters of my novel. in the afternoon, while hubby was trying to convince me to stay indoors, i managed to convince him to go do christmas tree shopping. after that we did a little cloth shopping. i snatched up two pairs of jeans for only $3.96 at old navy.

sunday, we didn’t make it to church in time. we stayed at home getting our christmas home decoration ready. we still have to dress up the tree, and can’t wait. we didn’t mind the snow outside.letitsnow

so, while we let it snow outside, inside we snuggled up warm on the sofa. sleepyangelsin the evening hubby bathed and dressed AOI for bed. i was watching the final show of xfactoruk when he came downstairs with our angel sleeping in his arms. she is un amore! and he’s the BEST father ever.

i love to see him with our daughter because his love for her is unconditional and it’s infectious. i love them SO MUCH!

that was our weekend, made of simple but enjoyable things.

questions: how was your weekend? tell me what you did nice. do you have a weekend update on your blog? let me know in the comment box and i’ll stop by

have a wonderful week and stay blessed

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