20 Dec 2012

Coping

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thanks to everyone who took the time to write a word of comfort, much appreciated.

writing on the blog means going on with life. but if i don’t write some of my rampant thoughts down i may go insane.

i take conscious breaths, but sometimes i feel like drowning.

i want to stay still from the numbness but i’m sure that’s not what our niece would like us to do. we are making sense of her death. the way she came to this world and how she left us is so symbolic, worth of an angel.

she was born in the middle of the night one sunday, when no one was watching. and in a similar way she left one late sunday evening when everyone was taking a snooze. she was 4 years, 2 weeks, 2 days old.

the heaviness in my throat can’t be forced down. it will take time but we’ll make it through. i imagine her among the old members of our family who passed away long before her. she’s laughing and playing with her cousin who died seven years ago when she was only a baby.

i wonder if when people die they age or they stay the same age forever. maybe they stay the same age but they are more wise than we are. today my sister-in-law, AMSAA’s mother, told me that age doesn’t matter when we die.

this is the first time a young person is passing away. she was such a courageous little sunshine. if everything happens for a reason then her death means so much to this family. it’s has united us even more, it’s encouraging me to work harder at my dreams. and this is the first death that i’m consciously experiencing. ‘consciously’ because all the previous deaths in my family were old people while i was still naive and i couldn’t understand what was going on really. i miss that naivety in life.

we’re all saying we’re doing fine, but that’s a way to tell people we are coping through the pain, we’re holding on tight to the faith of believing that she is happy where is right now.

yet, i can’t bring myself to look at all her pictures. even at the thought tears prickle my eyes. i think about her older sister who is just seven years old and doesn’t know the concept of death as i was when my father died or my great-grandmother died. i wish i could go back to that age. i have a vague memories. memories that i don’t mind having but how am i going to come to terms with the fact that i will never see my little niece’s face again until we all meet in heaven.

last night i managed to sleep little better thanks to my sister’s words. i was scared that AMSAA was all alone in this new journey of her life. i was scared that she was feeling lonely and scared. but my sister reminded me that little AMSAA is not alone where she is because her paternal grandfather is there, her paternal great-grandfather is there, her paternal great-great-grandmother is there, her paternal grand-aunt is there, her maternal grandfather and her cousin from her mother’s side they’re all there.

she is an angel because she came with her sunshine to light our lightless life and bring us together. her purpose in life was well served. she is the guardian angel who wanted to come and show her sister that she will always be there for her and that she shouldn’t be afraid in this world that sometimes scares us all. 

and nobody should judge anyone for choosing a different way to cope when death takes away the one they love. we shouldn’t blame because it wasn’t anybody’s fault

still, during the first hours of the horrendous news, i hated how we’re all living on different continents from each other. i wanted to be there so much. i wanted to hold you in my arms, see your face for the last time before we meet again. but these kilometres between us couldn’t allow it.

nobody thinks their little kid could go before them so this event is a big slap on the face. i call it the wake up call. i want to cope but i don’t want the pain to go away because as much as it hurts it’s makes me whole.

i was reading Jenni’s old blog entries on death. she’s the one blogger who i know has written passionately about her thoughts on death after her step father died. i wanted something to hold onto, to anchor my tiring soul and her posts did the trick. one particular post made me accept the pain i’m going through.

in a research conducted by Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher, he argues that

everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems […to him is a ] dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness.

he concluded that

Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfilment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain…

this is so true for me. this pain is making me whole. i feel wiser and stronger and i’m coping well.

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6 comments:

  1. My goodness Toi so sorry to hear about your loss. Thinking of you at this time.

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  2. I'm so sorry ! My cousin died on the 10th dec,2005 in a plane crash a day after she turned 13. The rawness is sometimes unbearable. Praying for your family x

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  3. TOI, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel right now. I pray that God gives you the strength to survive this difficult time. RIP Amsa.

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  4. TOI, I my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. What a sad, sad, loss. Please know that you are not alone. God's love fills us all.

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  5. I hope you receive comfort in the poet's words of wisdom. praying for your family in this time of mourning

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  6. God is good on His infinite wisdom...I'm glad you are writing your thoughts down!

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