16 May 2013

Overwhelmed By Self Doubt

#16 of  Blog Every Day In May is about sharing

Something Difficult About Your "lot in life" and how you’re working to overcome itsky

I am not sure if this entry will make sense, because maybe I’m not interpreting the prompt right.

Something difficult for me is my constant self doubt in everything I do. As a stay at home mother I also want to be able to bring a small income that I can be proud to say I did that. It’s not for the aim to be rich but just the pride of a woman who has worked most of her life.

Whenever I think about which skill to employ to have a small income the voice of doubt nag at me asking what can you do? At this point I feel more doubtful about my skills. Tutoring in Italian is an awesome way to get out of the house and also it shows me that, apart from being a mother to my beautiful daughter, I can be useful somebody else in the community.

Sometimes, I worry so much about forgetting how to work outside the house once my daughter is old enough to go to kindergarten. This thought overwhelms me, so I want to find a little business I can do now and hopefully turn it around in the future. I think about my writing career, and I am realistic enough to know that it might take some time before my fictional characters can help me bring some money into my household.

I know there so many wonderful stay at home mothers, who work. At this thought the voice of doubt says “they have helpers”. So I feel like I need a little help to be able to do many things. But this thought scares me because I LOVE being with my daughter and she really gives me enough time do things. But those things are not always related to my writing or photography skills. Sometimes when she is asleep I have to organise the house or I am simply too tired to tackle the above skills. So, I think if I had a helper the house might be a little bit cleaner and AOI will have more time of me. When she is asleep instead of cleaning the house myself someone would do that and I can work on my skills and then when she is awake I can dedicate my 100% attention to her.

When I am overwhelmed by these thoughts, I feel guilty sitting in front of the laptop to write or edit photos, even though my daughter is having a snack or she is happily playing with her toys. In that moment the doubt of not being a good mother kicks in. I think to myself that I ought to read to her, or just focus more than the 70% on her {because even when I am in front of the screen, my may attention is on her}. Sometimes I forgive myself because over the eight hours I am home with her, six hours are spent making sure she is fine and happy. Also, I spend most of my waking hours outside the house going from child activity to the next.

I think about the women many money thanks to their writing or photography. I ask myself why can’t I do that. Why do I fear pitching something to a magazine or a literary journal. But I know the answer, the voice of doubt tells me I am not good enough.

When I manage to talk myself into believing in my skills, the voice of doubt asks me if the equipment I’m using is appropriate for my skills. For instance doubt will tell me I don’t have Microsoft, so my novel is not structured well. Or that I don’t have the coolest CANON camera so my pictures are not good enough or I can’t even think about taking my passion for photography to the next level, because will just laugh at me.

So how am I working to over come this overwhelming self doubt?

I let them linger for a second and then push them aside and focus on my main passion. I want my daughter to be proud of me but I want her to know that even though I am home with her, I work and I don’t give up easily on my dreams and neither should she no matter how long them may take to become reality.

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do you ever doubt yourself? How do you overcome that?

11 comments:

  1. I have the same thing. Crippling self doubt. But don't fear that you will forget how to work outside the home. You probably multi-task more now than you ever did!

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    1. thank you for your lovely comment

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  2. thanks for your honesty. I think anyone worth knowing is always plagued to some extent with self doubt. It's the people who HAVE no self-doubt that I find positively contemptuous! Obnoxious. Maybe I'm just being jealous. But I really admire you for staying at home with your daughter AND wanting to contribute to the community AND bring some income in. Maybe do what I did a few weeks ago - made a list of 10 things I KNOW I could do to earn a little cash. It was my experience that those first 18 years of my daughters' lives went by so fast that - if I had it to do all over again - I would have just had a small part-time job for mad-money and a little time out of the house because - once they're gone - all you have is time :)

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    1. thank you, thank you! this gives me food for thought :)

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  3. We all have self doubt from time to time. Don't let fear paralyze you. Whatever you will need to do in the future in regards to be employed or not when your daughter is older will unfold at that time (God is with you). All I can say is if you can tutor kids (and have the patience to teach them Italian of all things), I'm guessing you'd make a wonderful teacher or mentor.

    At this moment you are exactly where you are supposed to be a loving wife and mother who takes care of her home. Write on the side and do photography because you enjoy it. If you want both those things to evolve, pray on it & take steps from there. <33

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    1. thank you Emily for reminding me that God has plans for me. thank you

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  4. I carry similar self doubt that you do. Am I good enough? Why can't I do X? It's just natural though it can be frustrating. Don't doubt that you are being a good mom when ou take moments to yourself. You have to do that now and then or you'd go crazy.

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    1. :), happy for this comment. thank you again

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  5. awwww....the honesty in this post is so palpable...i think self doubt plaques us all in one area of our lives but the best thing is recognizing it and being able to push it aside and allowing our true selves to shine...thoughts are so powerful. you are an awesome mom WHEN you take care of yourself because you want your daughter to learn this. and sometimes it's okay for the house to messy if it means you are enjoying life and not overwhelmed by it all! Awesome post Toi!!!

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  6. It's amazing to me that often those around us have more faith in our abilities than we do on our selves. Often I find my self not even accepting praise because truly I'm not as good as they say. It's much easier to doubt ourselves then believe that we are good.

    I guess the only way to conquer that is to push the thoughts aside. We can think it for a second but soon after cover the thought we something positive such as I AM GOOD with what I do. My skills are worth recognition. Squash the doubt with belief in what we can do.

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