20 Mar 2014

Musings: Stream of Consciousness

london eye

I took this picture during a day trip around London with my brother when he came to visit me for the first time in 2006

I promised few changes on this blog here, but since last week some events have sucked out the life out of us. I feel numb, powerless brain and I don’t know how to get out from that state. I know it will be over soon, but I don’t know when soon means. It could mean one year, two years or more for my brother to understand. I pray it’s not that look, but who knows. Both my mum and I wish we were in London right now, we also know we can’t do anything even being there but only support my brother with our presence. But we can’t go right now. We call him everyday, that’s not good enough.

When I talked to him today he sounded like when I first saw him in the hospital last summer. He didn’t sound right and nobody is going to visit him and I feel sad about that. We’re trying our best to not think about it because the thought just tear us apart. What if the doctors diagnosis is wrong? What if what they gave him in the first place is triggering these episodes and now he can’t live without medications? There are so many questions I can’t find the answer to. The people looking after him are okay, but I can’t bring myself to believe them 100%. What did my brother do this time to end up there once more? We know he stopped the medication but does he really need medication? I’m not keen in the medication either but if that helps then he should keep at it. I don’t know  how he feels when he take it, but he used to say it was okay and it wasn’t causing him any side effects.

He was stressing out about work and maybe we weren’t capable of talking to him in ways that he would feel less stressed. Maybe we never really understood what’s the nature of this illness. Maybe this time we’ll do things a bit different. I pray he understands what’s the illness and stops doing whatever triggers this problem. I pray we learn to deal with it and help him understand and learn how to cope with it. I hope he understand that we really love him and believe in him no matter what.


  1. I pray with you. God bless you and your brother

  2. This saddens me. Praying for you and your family!


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