I cried as I forced myself out of her classroom. I cried when I had to pull out the parking lot to drive home. I thought about her for most of the two and half hours she was away.
I remembered how on our way to preschool I said she was going to have fun, Mrs T will be there. To which she said "Mrs T. is not mummy." My heart swell. "Mrs T is a lady who takes care of you when mummy is not there." Her big brown eyes looked at me tired.
She started falling asleep two minutes away from her preschool. I managed to stretch my hand behind the drivers seat to tickle her feet to keep her awake. She went into her class without problem, then maybe my own anxiety kicked in because I took her to the potty and whilst there I told her that she is going to have fun and Daddy will come to pick her soon.
She began to cry and said she wanted me there. "Nobody else is crying." I told her but maybe that was to comfort myself more than her. We went back to her class. And maybe I was getting cold feet or something because her daddy took her in his arms to show her the classroom. My heart tighten as she cried and asked us to stay. My throat ached as I tried to turn away from my crying daughter because all I wanted was take her back home with me but I couldn't. I also knew it was for our own good.
We were the last parents to leave the classroom. I was not okay but being aware that there was a nice lady who was going to take care of my daughter for the next two and half hours made me feel a little better. Also her daddy was going to be five minutes away, at his work library. I came home and sank my sadness with Uomini e Donne (e poi). But after exchanging some messages with another mother whose daughter started preschool the previous day made me feel less sad to have left my daughter at the preschool all by herself.
Also when her daddy went back to pick her, she didn’t want to leave. That’s a good sign.
I’m happy about this new phase but – I don’t know for how long I’ll cry every time I drop her off. I’m glad we choose a co-operative and I’ll have to chance to go an volunteer during her preschool hours. Still, I’m freaking about the whole experience because I can see her sweet bright, yet naive view about the world fade away. For me the stage before preschool was like Adam and Eve in Eden before the bite of the forbid apple.
Knowledge is power but it can also destroy the age of bliss.
I left her in the hands of a new person I barely know. My knees were weak but I’m hopeful that every new person around her will be kind to her.
The weeks before the beginning of this new adventure, we talked about it and read many books about children going to school. The week before going to preschool I did a mini back to school session for her and we both enjoyed it.